What I Learned From 2020.

2020 has been a year that all of us will never forget. Everyone was forced to face a challenge head on but separately, and quarantined. A global pandemic sprinkled with a insane presidential election, hurricanes, murder hornets, no toilet paper and no essential stuff, wildfires, and so much more. This year for me, was one of the worst years of my life. COVID hit and I had to move out of college 2 months early and leave behind all of my friends and mainly my freedom and happiness. Then, I had to sit in quarantine for 5 months and it wasn’t good for my mental health at all, people who I was close with stopped talking to me, I lost some friends, I lost some bonds with people, I lost a relationship, a friendship I thought I would never loose, I haven’t seen my grandma since COVID started, I got my first rejection(lol), I got charged with something I never thought I would... plagiarism, I failed my math class for the third time, I had to spend my birthday inside this year because of the lock down order, I became mentally and physically exhausted again, I struggled with forgiveness, I struggled with letting go, and I struggled with my faith during quarantine. To be honest, I just struggled. I cried so much this year, I let myself get into a horrible place, I beat myself up, I struggled with self-worth, self-image, and self-confidence. I became the person I promised myself I would never become again.

2020 has taught me 20 things, and I am ready to share them with you.

1. Listen to your body whisper so you don’t have to hear it scream.

I wish that I had come up with this line myself, but I came across it on Instagram and it spoke volumes. Our body often signals us before catastrophe ensues. "The headaches, the restlessness, the irritability aren’t coincidental."

2. The little things matter the most.

We never really realize how much an impact a random text, phone call, face-time, letter in the mail, a "I'm coming to pick you up, be ready in five", a "Hey, How's everything going?", a "Hey, Everything is going to be okay", or a "Can I pray for you?" can mean to someone. Doing one of these could impact someone's life more than you ever will know.

3. Taking time to rest and be still is okay.

Every day we are always on the go, we never really get the chance to just stop and breathe. When Corona hit, I was forced to put a pause on everything that was going on in my life, I was forced to become uncomfortable and sit still but wow was it so refreshing for my mental health and just in general. I was able to take the time to listen to my mind and my heart. I was able to stop and listen to what God was trying to tell me, to rest and to lean on him. So taking time to rest is okay. Plan a time in your busy week to just stop and breathe.

4. Some people are meant to be temporary.

I've had a hard time learning this. I have a really big heart and when people come into my life, I don't let them go. I do everything I can for this person. This person and their friendship mean the world to me, and it hurts my heart when I start to feel people slipping away. (Read my blog post called, "People are only in your life for a season.") Recently I have began to have hard feelings about a friend who meant a lot to me slipping out of my life. I think about it all the time that I just miss everything about the friendship. I miss the checking in on you texts. I miss the "I love you" texts. I miss them making me laugh until I couldn't breathe. I miss just talking to them. I missed spilling my life to the only person that I felt like I could trust, and the only person who I felt like understood me. I have learned that people fit into a category of 3. People are in your life for a reason, season, and a lifetime. When you start to feel that person leaving your life, It's time to let go. Though it's going to be hard but you need to make room for the people that are in your life and plan on never leaving. Concentrate on them. Letting go is hard, but it is possible.

5. Honor your feelings.

One thing that I fail to do is to be vulnerable. Growing up, I went through a lot of things. I couldn't talk to anyone. I decided that it was better for me to hold in my feelings, and not talk to anyone until eventually I couldn't hold it in anymore. 2020 taught me that, “You can’t heal a wound if you keep pretending you are not bleeding.” You are not feeling tired, frustrated, sad or anxious for no reason. Your emotions are a signal of what you are going through, even when you don’t notice. Not all days are sunshine, kittens, and rainbows. And you are not a robot programmed to be happy 24/7. Listen to your inner voice. It is okay to not be okay but what is not okay is to stay in that "not okay" place. There is gotta be a time where we have to pick ourselves up, get help, and do what we can to better ourselves. Your feelings are valid. Don't let anyone tell you different.

6. Take the time to fill your cup.

For me, it’s so easy to pour into others. The harder part is finding the time, the courage, and the willingness to fill my own cup. You need to be putting God and others first, but you also need to take care of yourself. I have such a hard time with this because I make sure everyone has what they need before I worry about myself. I see myself a lot in my mom when I do this because my mom is the same way. Don't neglect yourself, do things for you. Make sure you're happy, and you're okay before you help others.

7. Feel the losses.

As a nation, we have lost a lot this year. I have lost a lot this year. Grieving doesn’t make us weak; it makes us human. Feel those losses.

8. Celebrate the wins.

If you’ve made it to 2021, THAT is worth celebrating. We ought to be more intentional about celebrating the little things and celebrating the big things. Celebrating your wins and celebrating the wins of others encourages me to keep winning too.

9. You are never alone.

In the darkest moments of this year, someone was always there. My family, my best friends, my campus minister Preston, and God all served as reminders that I never have to walk through this life alone. People see me. People hear me. I was never alone even if I felt like it some days.

10. Growth hurts, but it's good.

One of my favorite quotes is, "“Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because life's greatest lessons are learned through pain.” Just remember that there can't be a rainbow and there can't be flowers without rain. 11. Life is precious. Be grateful for what you have.

With over 225 thousand lives lost to the pandemic in the United States (and over 1.1 million worldwide), this pandemic has made me remember how precious life is. It has been a reminder to appreciate the smaller things in life – the things I often take for granted. With so many deaths each day, I am grateful for my family and friends, even if it means video calls and text messages while we cannot see each other in-person. With so many people falling ill, I am grateful for my health. With so many people losing jobs and becoming homeless, I am grateful for the food in my fridge and a place to call home. I haven't gotten the chance to see my grandma all throughout this quarantine but I am thankful that we are keeping her safe and healthy and I am so thankful that I get the chance to call and video chat her everyday and still be able to hear her voice. My grandma means the world to me, and if I lost her I don't know what I would do with myself. I am also so glad that no one in my household has gotten COVID. When I came home from college, I was informed that one of my friends tested positive for COVID and I had been in close proximity with her. I became so worried that I could possibly have it and give it to the rest of my family members living in the house with me, but I came out COVID free and I am so glad! We only get so much time living on Earth. Make it count.

12. You can't change the past but you can make the future better.

No matter how hard we try, what's done is done. We can't change the things that have happened to us in the past but we can use our hurt, anger, frustration and sadness to shape us into the better versions of ourselves for the future.

13. Change is necessary and is what this world needs.

This year we started a movement. A movement that should have already been started. We stormed the streets and the internet by fighting for what is right and needed in our country. We used our voices to help make a change and we used our voices to help bring justice to those who are not given it. Nothing can ever stop here because this is just the beginning.

14. Time heals.

Take the time to re-find yourself. Discover what makes you want to wake up in the morning and find the person that you always knew you were. Don't loose yourself to the agony of sadness because it will take over. Remember pain is only temporary and time can heal that.

15. Music heals the soul.

Music is something that I have always loved since I was little, my mom calls my sister and I her "Music babies" and my aunt calls my sister and I her "Hip-Hop babies". During this quarantine, I just put my Air Pods in and listen to music blocking out everything on the outside. Music helps calm me. So find that one song that you love and put it on repeat, find that playlist, and sing your heart out. Music is something that will never leave you and will never change on you.

16. Just dance.

At college, I live at CCF which stands for Christian Campus Fellowship. CCF literally has the best dance parties. At CCF we do this thing called "Fright Week". It is the week leading up to Halloween. We do different activities such as Pumpkin Carving, Spooky Olympics, and this year we watched 2 black and white "scary" movies but no one really watched them so afterwards my friend Wes who we call the "DJ" turned on some music and used the disco lights and we danced so much that night. We had a dance circle and everyone got the chance to dance inside the circle. No one judged you that night. When you got in the middle everyone cheered for you, and we all just had so much fun. So, put some music on or get with some friends and just dance the night away.

17. Online school is hard, give yourself a break.

When corona hit in March, I was in my freshman year of college second semester. I had to learn what online school was actually like. I learned what Zoom was and how easy it is to just turn your camera off and sleep during the class. I was under a lot of temptation to want to cheat. I learned that math was something that I couldn't do online, and I ended up failing it at the end of the semester. Math is not something that I can do online. I have to be inside of the classroom, doing hands on things and working with the professor in person. I beat myself up a lot for how terrible my grades were but I have learned that Online school is freaking hard. It's okay, give yourself a break. Just know that you will do better next time. So, don't feel too pressured about what grades you got in 2020.

18. Forgiveness is hard, but is something that God calls us to do and what we have to do.

So in September, I was charged with plagiarism. In dealing with this situation I felt like I was portrayed as a bad student. The professor I was dealing with made me think and feel like plagiarism wasn't a big deal to me. When it truly is. The professor spoke to me like I was a child. The situation did not get handled the way I thought it was going to be handled. My professor. Someone who is supposed to help me and guide me, NEVER talked about the situation to me and just reported me to someone higher up, and kept counting be absent in his class, when it's all online and I was told by these higher up people that I couldn't go back to class until basically my punishment was served without me even knowing what I did. Every time I talked about it, it made me want to cringe, throw up, and cry and it honestly made my chest hurt. It hurts to know that someone who doesn't even know me would make some preconceived notion about me. When this happened, I let it affect me so much to point where I couldn't focus on any of my other school work.

Let's just say that I have a lot of build up anger towards this guy but at the end of the day, I am called to love him. I am called to forgive him even though he wronged me, and even though he did things to where I feel like I can't. I am going to pray for the guy, even when I want to say mean things about him." The worst things happen to good people." There isn't anything we can do to change it. We've got to accept it, put our big pants on, learn from our mistakes, and move on. We shouldn't let this affect knowing our true worth, we are worth more than the situations that we go through. So even though it is hard to forgive people that have wronged us, we have to forgive them and move on.

19. Find new hobbies, and new passions.

Over quarantine, I have found a new love for painting. Painting is one of my passions now, though I may not be that good at it, and though I can't paint a tree and mainly simple things except flowers, I find peace when I paint. I know that when I paint that it's just me and the canvas. I have total control over what the painting is going to look like, what colors I use, and what time the painting is going to be done. No one is judging me, no one is looking over my shoulder and in my ear telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and no one is rushing me. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I paint, and it calms me down when times are tough. So, find and do something that you have never done before. It might just become your new favorite hobby.

20. God is still good, even in the chaos.

God knew that this was going to happen. God sees all the hurt that you are going through. When you cry, God cries too. When you hurt, God hurts too. Like I said before, this quarantine forced all of us to be still. I have been able to be still and listen to what God is trying to tell me and I have been able to focus more on him. Yes, this quarantine was a little hard to actually keep a good faith but I worked through it and God stayed with me throughout 2020. God is still so so good. Believe that. Yes, it was also hard keeping a good faith when churches are closed and activities with churches are closed, but God is bigger than that. God is still there waiting for you and all you have to do is dive it to him. I love God so so much, and I hope you find the same love for him that I do.

That's the end of what I have learned in the train wreak of a year that was 2020. There were some good memories that I have of 2020 though. Starting out with, I finally got to go back to school to start off my Sophomore Year, I became a resident at CCF, I got to be the leader of the encouragement team, lead the Girls Bible Study, I got the chance to meet some new friends, became a member of Gospel team and had one of my first solos, lead worship services, gave my first communion meditation, choreographed two dances with some friends, danced the night away(a lot) at our dance parties *CCF dance parties are the best*, had my first COVID scare, my dad proposed to his girlfriend and I’m gaining a new family, my brother came home from Seattle and brought his new girlfriend, I developed a new love for painting and met one of my biggest inspirations and more.

Goodbye 2020 and Hello 2021.

This year I have goals to better myself emotionally, physically, and increase my relationship with God. I wanna read my Bible more, I wanna pray to my Lord and Savior more, I want to just give my attention more towards God more this year. I also want to better appreciate the body that God has given me. I also wanna make more blog posts for you all to read!

I love you all thank you for tuning in to this long but good post. Thank you for the constant support and for reading my blogs.

Love, Kayleah Allen <3