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No regrets. Everyone has a different definition of what that means to them. To me, "No regrets" means to be free to live your life the way you want to live it. "No regrets" means to not hold back from the things you have been longing to do. "No regrets" also means to not be afraid of what lies ahead, and to know that God has a plan for your life, and his plan is perfect. God had your life lined out before you were born. He knew about that rejection. He knew about that divorce. He knew about that miscarriage. He knew about grieving of a loved one who passed. He knew about that addiction. He knew about that friend that betrayed you. He knows. He knows what you are going through. He is always there even when we can't see him.
When I think about not holding back, I have to apply this to my own life because most of the time I hold back from something that I could benefit from or have a lot of fun doing because i'm just scared. Like for example, My SLA group decided to walk down to the canal(Downtown Indianapolis), to ride on the pedal boats/canoes. I decided that I didn't want to go so I was the only one sitting on the side lines watching everyone else have fun. At first I way happy with my decision but then I realized that I could have had fun like everyone else. Another example would be, on Saturday we went downtown as well to just hang out and then we had the opportunity to ride the bikes that you could rent. I also decided that, that wasn't something that I wanted to do, so I missed out on the fun that everyone else had riding the bikes.
A little background story of the meaning behind, "No regrets".... (The weekend of July 23-25)
This weekend at SLA(which stands for Student Leadership Academy) I had the opportunity to come back and see some of the people that I had built relationships with, and I got to meet some new people. David(the leader of SLA) invited the college students when COVID hit to join a zoom, during the zoom he decided that there was going to be a mystery trip in July for the people that came to every SLA meeting, and did some extra credit. I was so glad that I had the opportunity to join because I truly missed my SLA family and I knew that this was something that I wanted to do. So, I earned the mystery trip and a few weeks into July we found out where we were going. With COVID restrictions we couldn't really go a lot of places and we also couldn't be in a vehicle together because we wouldn't be abiding by social distancing rules. We found out that we would be staying in downtown Indy, and the rest of the activities planned were still a secret until we got there. So, Friday came around and I got dropped off at the hotel that we were staying at and I got to see people that I haven't seen in over 2 years, and I got to meet a lot of new people that I remembered seeing on zoom. We chatted, and eat pizza together and then we walked downtown to the canal to ride on the boats/canoes. I decided not to go(like I mentioned above), and so I got the opportunity to catch up with David because he stayed behind with me. After everyone was done we got some ice cream and headed back to the hotel.
Saturday morning we all walked down to the Eiteljorg Museum, and we were tasked to take pictures of our groups doing different things such as, "Take a picture of the oldest person in the group with a piece of art that is older than them, Take a picture of your group bored, Take a picture of a piece of art that looks like you, etc." Then after the museum we went to a park and eat McAlister's(During this time my Apple Watch freaked out on me and called 9-1-1) and we played some games together, and did some devotion time while singing "King of My Heart", "Lord I Need You", and "Here I am Lord". After spending time at the park we went back to the hotel for a little bit and then walked to Circle Centre Mall to get some food(I had Taco Bell and Ice cream because Chick-Fil-A was closed). Then we walked down to I.U.P.U.I's campus to watch the Indy Eleven game. This was my first ever soccer game that I have watched besides 8 year old soccer. I had some preconceived notions before going to this game because I am not really a sports fan let alone a soccer fan, but once getting there and figuring out which team to root for, the game definitely got me yelling and off of my feet a couple times. David and Emily were actually shocked that I was yelling and off of my feet. I definitely screamed "DON'T LET THEM GET THE BALL!!!", "COME ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING", and during the game one of the players from the opposite side body slammed one of our players then tried to act like they were hurt and I screamed, "BOO!!! GET UP".
Then after the game was over(we lost), we walked back to the hotel and had some SLA Family Time. During this we got to sing, "Build My Life", "Holy, Holy. Holy", and we ended with "Reckless Love". "Reckless Love" hit different during this time because all of us were singing to the top of our lungs praising our Lord. It was really inspiring to get to see everyone talk about what it was like for them to go through quarantine and how much it affected people's lives and their mental health. We all had a common theme going around the circle. Feeling alone, feeling isolated, and having Anxiety. During our SLA family time as well, Emily talked with us about "No regrets" again. We had the opportunity to turn and share to our partners(mine was Emily) and share about what it would look like to have "no regrets". I shared and said that for me it would mean to be free from my chains and let go from everything that is keeping me from doing the things that I wanted to do.
Often we let our self-conscious get the best of us. We let the Devil take over our lives and we listen to the lies that he spreads like, "You look ugly in that outfit today", "You shouldn't wear that out people will look at how fat you are.", "You aren't worthy", "No one loves you", "You shouldn't wear a swimsuit, it shows your stomach and your fat thighs", and so much more. On Sunday, I was feeding into the Devil's lies. We went to the Zoo and to be completely transparent I felt really excluded from everyone. I felt like no one was talking to me and I was behind of everyone else, and that no one really cared if I was there or not. I ended up separating myself from the group and sitting by myself during the Dolphin show, when I could have enjoyed it with everyone else. I hadn't just been feeling excluded during the zoo, I felt that way the whole weekend. I walked slower than everyone else so I felt as if I was missing out. I also chose to not participate in the boating and bike riding so I felt as if I was missing out as well. During the Dolphin show I started crying because of this, also I definitely let my anxiety get the best of me. After the dolphin show I met up with everyone and David had asked if I was okay, at this point I was trying to hold back my tears because I didn't want anyone to see that I was crying. I went outside of the Dolphin Pavilion, called my mom and just broke down. I called her and expressed that I wanted to go home, no one would talk to me, I felt left out, I didn't feel good(I had some car sickness from going to get the food with David, and I had been dealing with a sore throat and headache), and I was just plain exhausted. I started crying so hard that I was struggling to breathe. After I got done calling my mom(my aunt was headed to come and get me at this point), one of the girls pulled a seat up for me and told me to sit down. Everyone was crowding around me, now worrying about me that I was crying(and the Devil fed into me during this time as well telling me, "Well now they care about you because your crying".) David came into where we all were and told the group to go on ahead and give me some space. He asked me if I needed more space, and for him to leave, and I told him no, that he could stay. In the moment, I definitely needed someone like him to sit with me. David asked what had been going on, and I finally came out and told him that I felt excluded from everyone. He said that in that type of situation I should have told him, and that I can't just bottle up my feelings which is something that I have struggled with for years. I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk to anyone so I just held everything inside until I can't take it anymore. I have been working at trying not to bottle my feelings up, and also not shutting down when situations happen in my life. It's just really hard to try and stop doing the stuff that you have learned and got used to from when you were a kid and now your an adult. David also expressed some other stuff to me that I won't go into detail about but David helped me feel better. In that moment if I was by myself, I think that things would have gotten worse and I would have had a panic attack. So, I am super glad that I had David there to remind me about how precious I am, how worthy I am, and how much I have grown from the first time that he met me.
David said to me, to "not let this time at SLA be a bad memory." I am very thankful for the weekend. I got to experience walking over 27,508 steps(probably more), watching my first soccer game and actually enjoying it, experiencing God during our SLA family times, getting to know everyone that came on the trip, and just getting the opportunity to see David, Emily, and everyone else I already knew again. SLA is something that truly changed my life. It broke me out of my shell and got me out of my comfort zones. I am such a huge advocate for SLA and wish that all students who love Jesus could have the opportunity to experience what SLA is like and to truly be apart of a family. It's sad that I aged out of it and wish nothing more than to have the opportunity to go back and experience what I did, but now I get to see what it's like for others in high school to have this opportunity to grow their faith and become apart of this forever family.
So if you didn't take anything away from what all i'm saying, I want to leave you with this.
No regrets. Be free to live your life. Don't hold back. Let go. Break those chains you have been imprisoned with. Do that thing you have always wanted to do. You're going to have bad days but know that you aren't defined by them. Know that Jesus loves you. He died on the cross for you. Come to him when times are hard but also express your thankfulness to him on the good days. Know that you aren't alone, there are a lot of people out there that are dealing with the same thing that you are. Keep Jesus at the center of everything in your life. He wants you to come to him. He loves you. What you are going through is just a small snip bit of your life, God is growing you and making you stronger. Use your story to help reach to others. You can't grow without the storms.
Always remember you are loved, you are worthy, and you are so special to God.
Love, Kayleah
Here are some links to learn more about SLA!!! If you wanna know more please contact me!!
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