My Testimony.

I remember being on the outside of a real relationship with God. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in who he was, it was just sort of there. Maybe, you remember a time like that too, when God was just there in your life but didn’t really matter or affect you. Or, maybe you have found yourself to always seem angry, frustrated, feel like a “lost cause”, feel like all your hope is gone, and most importantly feel alone and you just don’t understand why. Well, God and I are really close now, but my relationship with God wasn’t all that amazing. When I was 15 years old I became mildly depressed, I began to have anxiety attacks quite often, there wasn’t a night that I didn’t cry myself to sleep, and I just recently got over being emotionally exhausted, It seemed better for me to just close my eyes and go back to sleep every day. I asked God plenty of times “Why did you wake me up.” “Why can’t I just go back to sleep”. I had began to question God's existence and I didn’t think God was really there.

I had so many things going wrong in my life that going to church wasn’t a priority for me. I just went. I went because I felt like I had too. I felt the need to force myself to go, even though I just didn’t want to get out of bed, and I went because it was something to occupy me so I didn’t have to be at home.

I had nothing to look forward to going to church. When I walked in it was always the same “normal” bunch of people saying “good morning” to me and pulled me in for a hug, I accepted the hug, and I smiled on the outside but deep down I was in so much pain. No one ever knew that about me because I had a really hard time sharing my feelings with other people so I began to act like things were okay when the words “I feel worthless, I feel like a disappointment, and I feel alone” wanted to crawl out of my mouth to the person who was giving me a hug, and asking if everything was alright.

On Sunday’s I couldn’t even begin to count how many times I didn’t have my eyes closed during prayer. I didn’t even know what a prayer life was or like. I didn’t understand why everyone closed their eyes, so I just left mine open. When I was young and going through confirmation, I was given a bible and that Bible sat there and collected dust. When it was time to sing hymns guess who was sitting down..? You guess right.. Me. When the sermon were going on, I began to doodle on offering envelopes, or I just stayed on my phone the whole time, and eventually, I started skipping the 9:30 service, I went into the library and when the adults came in I “acted” like I was reading. I was just flat out bored. I also never talked about God or did anything “Jesus” related outside of the church. Since youth group wasn’t a thing my freshman and sophomore year I never got the chance to be free somewhere where I knew that everyone loved me for me, I couldn’t grow my faith, I didn’t have a strong relationship with peers, I didn’t have the chance to feel a part of something and have a place that I could be vulnerable, without the fear of being judged. I had been through so much in my life. My parents split up, my grandma had a massive stroke, my baby cousin was born still born, I had about 4 other deaths and so much more that just caused me to not be the person that I really am.

Until I went on my second mission trip to White Oak, Tennessee was when I really knew that there was a God, and God was there. I had seen him everywhere, I seen him through the people we were helping. I saw him through our youth group coming together and becoming a family. I had never known that my brokenness was apart of God’s plan. God picked up all of the broken pieces of my heart and started putting them back together for something bigger than my pain. He made me new. God saw how hard I was pouring my life to him. I cried and cried wishing that God would make me happy again. That God would take all of the emotional pain away and just let me breathe. Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” and Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Now, Though everything I have encountered God has been good, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I couldn’t begin to count the many blessings I’ve received. He had a plan for me even when I couldn't see it. He had a plan for me through all of the storms I have faced. God promised me that after all the storms I would face, the sun is going to shine again and there was going to be a rainbow. Now, going to church is my number 1 priority. I come no matter what the circumstance is. Through the help of a counselor, and powerful prayer I’m happy again, and God has given me hope for a better tomorrow.

Psalm 34:17 states that “when the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and rescues them from all their troubles. God is going to hear your cry for help, and be there to rescue you, You are not hidden, forgotten, and you are not hopeless.

I want you to think about a person. This person is always there for you when you just need to say “I’m not okay... And here's why. '' This person has helped you become vulnerable and has helped to see that you are worth more than your self-doubt and fear. This person helps your realize that you are indeed, able to be loved, and to be lovable because that’s how god made you, You are made to be lovable. This person makes you laugh. This person maybe even laughs at your turkey impression, and this person has helped you be able to see what is true and to remember who you are.

The first person who came into my mind is my former Family Ministries Pastor Abigail, On the first day that we had met, Abigail had asked me to tell her my whole life story, at first inside of my mind I was thinking “Tell her my whole life story… I'm not going to do that... I just don’t know how to tell a person I just met everything about me, she’s got to be crazy.” but out of all of our family ministries leaders, she was the first one to be new and ask me to talk about my whole life. During our talk, I felt this sense of calming, I felt that she had led me to be open and that It was okay for me to be open. One of the first serious conversations Abigail and I had was if there was something on my mind.. I needed to just come out and say it instead of holding it in. I learned out the hard way that holding it in gets you nowhere, but uncontrollable crying, your heart raising 100 miles an hour, and the feeling of death spreading across your entire body.

When you know who loves you, you know where you can rest. You know where you can go when you fall.

Let’s just say that when I asked you to think about that one person in your life no one came to your mind. That’s okay because guess what? God is going to lead that one person into your life sooner than you realize. I thought that from the beginning I wasn’t going to find someone who understood me, I wasn't going to find that person who could comfort me and teach me at the same time, but the first step I had to take was I had to be open, I had to let that vulnerable side of me come out. No one is going to judge you for being broken, because guess what we are all broken. It turns out that Abigail’s openness led me to become more vulnerable. We ended up having so much in common, and we had both been through some of the same stuff. For anyone who hasn’t found that person yet, your first step is to not just stick your toe into the pool, but stick your whole body in and get yourself out there. The second step is to be brave and vulnerable enough to tell this person that you’re not doing okay. The third step is to ask for them to pray for you. One Sunday during reflection time I laid my head down and began to pray because I had a really rough week. She saw me, came over, laid her hands and head on me, and prayed for me. I began to cry. Abigail just knew that I needed prayer. She knew that I was going through a lot. She just knew. So ask someone to pray for you because that person will not hesitate to find a reason to hold your hand, and pray to our Lord and Savior. And your last, most important step is to Find yourself an Abigail or more importantly be that Abigail in someone else’s life because someone out there is in need of a friend, a mentor, in some cases a parent, a teacher, their confidant, and be assured that they aren’t alone and they are loved.

Philippians 4:13 says “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”. When you have a real relationship with Jesus Christ, through everything you do, he will always be there to give you strength in hard situations and just when you need him.

Miracles happen every day. If you doubt it, just take a look in the mirror. You’re a miracle, a work of art, and a masterpiece of God-your creator. Some people find it easy to give up or quit when they face difficult situations, but just know that you will overcome tremendous misfortunes through faith in God. Your frightening ordeal may not be a bridge over troubled waters. But suddenly, you could be going through something that causes you to fear or to doubt. It could be unemployment, foreclosure, depression, your bank account not doing so well, any sort of sickness, death, or more. Just know that while we all experience setbacks, God suddenly shows up to turn our setbacks into setups to rise above everything we are facing. Happiness could come through your pain; There could be a pregnancy, adoption, becoming healthy again, new home, new job, new relationships, or even more than that! Remember that your joy isn't dependent on circumstances. God has got this, whatever you may battle. He knows your pain. He cares about your pain. And He wants you to live in the strength and knowledge that He is working for your good and He is ultimately, absolutely, without a doubt in control! God is a Father of hope and healing. He does not intend for you to carry around painful baggage from your past around for the rest of your life.

Jesus Christ is the answer to every single problem we may face. Just know that it is okay to be broken, and to be at the end of your rope… and when your at the end of yourself, your world is crashing down, and when you begin to question god, he is going to catch your fall, heal you, find his way back to you, and it is going to make your relationship with him stronger than it’s ever been. Find the important people in your life that you can talk to when your struggling, because someone is waiting, sitting in the wings ready to pray for you. You are not alone in any given circumstances, God is going to provide that strength and comfort to bring that sunshine back from behind the dark clouds that are surrounding your life.

Love, Kayleah Allen