Getting Through My First Rejection.

(I hope he doesn't see this... but if he does oh well... it's my story.) *The boy's name in this story will be protected with a different name... who we are going to call Logan.

My Freshman year of college. I met this boy named Logan. The first memory I have of Logan was playing pool with him and he got mad because he scratched and so he left the room and pouted but eventually he came back in and we played another round. After that had all passed, one of the interns asked Logan to walk me back to my dorm because it was late out and the creeps come out at night. Logan said "yes" and so while we were walking home, Logan said "How do you spell your name?" and I said "K-a-y-l-e-a-h" and he was like "What? I thought your name had an S and Q in it" and we both laughed and I told him, "It for sure does not!". So we both had really good conversation and once we got to my dorm he said "I don't think that I properly introduced myself, my name is Logan and I said "Hi Logan, my name is Kayleah, not with a Q or an S" and he shook my hand and said goodnight to me. After getting back inside of my room I screamed and ran and told my suitemates that a cute boy just walked me home! I knew that I wanted to get to know him more so you know when you have that little crush you pay attention to the little details and you try to "impress him" so to speak. Logan came to CCF just as much as me. So I saw him every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday and if there was other things going on, or if we both were just there at the same time. I knew I had a crush on him so I like flirted, I guess you would say but I obliviously didn't know if he had the same feelings or not. It was too early to tell. I remember looking up videos on, "How to tell if a guy likes you", "How to impress a boy", "How to flirt but not make it so obvious" because I have never been in a relationship or truly "liked" a guy before until I met Logan.

In March, we were sent home and isolated because of Covid. I made sure to keep in contact with Logan so I texted him over the break. In April of last year, I was talking to Logan, and sending him Snapchats, etc. I had been freaking out to my friends asking them if I should tell him that I liked him or not. I had been been working up the guts to tell him, but I ultimately just wanted to know where his head was at. So Logan and I have this playful, mean nature most of the time I tell him to shut up up or something like that you know?

But.... he sent me a text that said "Why are you so mean to me?" and I said "Maybe I only act like this to you" and he proceeded to say, "Is there something that you want to tell me?" and I said "What?" and he said "I just want you to come out and say it" and so I knew that he probably already knew. I texted one of my friends, and I said "HE KNOWS!!! SHOULD I JUST TELL HIM?" and she said "YES, JUST TELL HIM!!!!" and so I worked up the guts to tell him that I had liked him. After I sent the message, I had saw that he was typing and we all know how nerve-wracking that is to see the little bit-moji pop up and say that this person is typing. So I get a response back from him saying

"Lol, I figured you did but man that's a lot to take in still I mean I still am trying to work on myself because I don't think I'm like really ready for a relationship and all but I don't want to lose your friendship either and I don't want to say I don't like you either cause it's not true.So I was happy at this point because I thought that we were going to make something out of this and he was maybe going to be my first boyfriend. We told each other goodnight, and that was that.

So a day later I get a text that says "Hey, What are you up too?"and I said "Nothing much, just playing with my cats." and he says "So can I talk to you about something" and I was like "what's up?" and he said "Alright here we go" and I waited a while before I heard anything back from him and then finally I got something back that says something in the lines of "So, I don't really like you, it's just that I felt "pressured" to say that I liked you back because you liked me for so long. I am not trying to play with your feelings or anything... and there was probably other things but I don't remember them. After he sent that text I dropped my phone and started to cry. I realized that I had just gotten my first rejection from the first boy I had a crush on. I didn't respond to him for a few days, but after talking to some of my friends about it, I finally got the courage to say something back to him. I told him that I just didn't understand why he made me believe that he liked me but then turned around and said that he didn't and why he said he wasn't playing with my feelings but he actually was. He responded with saying "Thank you so much for telling me that, I was actually really worried about how you were doing after I said that cause I knew it was confusing and sort of messed up. I still want to be friends with you and still think you're an amazing person. Thank you for telling me that cause I really needed to know how you were doing."

So basically everything went back to normal but a part of me was still hurt because I thought the relationship was going to work out but it didn't. I found out that I was going to be a resident next year at CCF and that he was becoming one too. I thought that when I went there for the summer meeting that things were going to be awkward between us because this would be the first time that I was going to see him again. At the meeting, when I saw him again, I wanted to cry. I also wanted to punch him in the face. When the year went on, I felt like our relationship got closer. One day he was talking to another girl who was having relationship issues and he said "Well like you should just do what I do, act like you like them and then say you don't" and that also really hurt but he apologized to me for "bringing up that I used to have feelings" and I was proud of him. I was proud of him for apologizing and I was also proud of him for saying that what he did to me was stupid.

I still have a really hard time with being around him because I still have these feelings. I still have this love for him, and I really wish that things would have worked out. The littlest things he does I still find attractive like the first time he sang, it gave me butterflies(I love when he sings), seeing him in a tuxedo, seeing him holding a baby, seeing him smile, and just so many things still give me those middle school butterflies. It is also really hard because he will do these things that he knows that I like. Like, he plays this piano chord at the end of songs that he knows that I like it. So the last few Sunday's, he has played the chords and looks up at me and smiles. Or, we will stay up until 1 am and talk to each other, or the other night he was playing this really pretty song on the piano and he was looking at me while he was doing it. It has been really hard to get over him. A part of me is just like why can't he be ugly? Why can't he stop doing the things he knows that I like.

I looked up on YouTube "How To Get Over A Guy Who Doesn't Like You Back" and they said to distance yourself, and it is hard for me to distance myself because I live with him. I see him everyday, and interact with him every day. I prayed and prayed to God asking him that if it was his will than it was his way. I was ready for a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship for 19 years. I was ready to be in one with a godly man, who could sing, and who just had a big heart even though he could be kind of an immature butthole sometimes. I know that God chose for me to not be in a relationship with this person for a reason even though I wanted it so badly and even though sometimes I still think about it, that maybe he will change his mind and that maybe things will still work out.

I wish the best for Logan. I know that one day God will bring him a godly women who loves him and appreciates everything about him, and who will bring him the love that he deserves. I know that there was a reason on his end why we didn't work out and I wish I could know what that reason was(but I also don't wanna know). Even though we never got the chance to be in a relationship, I love him and I always will have love for him. I will protect him just like a big sister would(even though he is older than me by 3 months). I also will protect all the girls who like him who he doesn't like back because I just don't want the same thing that happened to me, to happen to them. I think that this is something that I will forever think about. I hope that God is also preparing his heart to one day love someone. Because I know that he is preparing mine. I also know that this is all God's timing. Maybe God didn't think that I was ready to be in a relationship yet. I don't know when he will think that I am ready. It may be one month from now, it may be a year from now, it maybe 10 years, or maybe he is calling me to singleness. I just know that I am proud of Logan, I have seen him grow so much and I really, truly hope that he will find love, happiness, and peace and keep what he is doing to better himself and to better have a relationship with God.

I wrote this blog to all the girls who have dealt with the same thing as me, so they will find the comfort to know that they are not alone, that they have someone that has gone through the same thing.If you ever have any questions, please feel free to reach out, or if you just need someone to talk to about this, I am here for you!

Love, Kayleah Allen